It started off with a trip to Tahiti, where I was a courier for a black market organ farming operation. In February, my dog -- Mrs. Butterworth -- gave birth to a litter of puppies, which I quickly released out onto the streets. I hope they survived!

In the spring, I participated in the World Amateur Badminton semi-finals in Yorkshire. Though I only placed 8th, it felt like I won! In July, I got engaged to the love of my life -- crystal. However, crystal meth and I broke up soon after when I was arrested for possession. But by September, my case was thrown out due to insufficient evidence and I was back at home.

Halloween was wonderful. I went dressed as Dick Cheney, an outdated political joke that required constant explanation. I refused to celebrate Thanksgiving due to the pervading Pilgrim backlash on the internet. I could rant for hours about their unfair treatment at the hands of biased liberals, but suffice it to say that I know where the bleeding hearts can shove my cornucopia.

Finally, in December I spent the better part of the month writing this 2014 recap. It took me 32 days to get it just right but I'm so proud to share it with you now. I love you and I hope your 2015 is just slightly worse than mine. Toodles!